There's a lot of disagreement about what exactly is true in this regard. Rewards, I mean.

To me it just boils down to the fact that all the glory, for everything belongs to Christ.

Not a very job he did if all it does is gets us to the gates. Sorry, I reject that idea.

He died and rose and that is everything. That is sufficient and then some. If any part of it relies on me, I'll be living in the cruddiest shack heaven has to offer.

What's more important is that you are miserable now and that is because you need a drink of water. Take it. Go. Drop whatever you have to and go spend some time with God.

I'm not saying you're going to feel better right away, either. But its a start, right?

Dude, I have been thinking about you and praying ever since I read the post a few days ago. If I were anywhere near you, I'd just come over and hang and listen to what's on your heart and we'd talk and drink too much coffee. I'll be in Grand Rapids in May--so close, and yet still so far...

I have lots of thoughts about your post. And about you--most of them empathetic because I struggle with some of the same things. What I would love to do is reassure you how much I treasure you as a brother, and then really talk. I don't know why--it's not like I am loaded with brilliance or all the answers your heart is clearly longing for--maybe mostly I would say, "Stay in the fight." Spiritual discouragement is so crappy, and it's from the Enemy.

But there is a holy discontent, I think. And it sometimes starts as what feels like discouragement.

See why this would be cool to talk about?

Okay, really. If you are up for it, I would love to talk. Not berate or fix you, but talk. I am around this weekend. If you have some time, let me know and I'll call on my dime.

Mostly, maybe I got in here to say I am keeping you before the throne. And I love you, brother Devin.

Look how I can't shut up now...

If you do jump into the Word for a bit, here's something to chew in light of the topics you mentioned:

Once you were dead because of your disobedience and your many sins. You used to live in sin, just like the rest of the world, obeying the devil—the commander of the powers in the unseen world. He is the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God. All of us used to live that way, following the passionate desires and inclinations of our sinful nature. By our very nature we were subject to God’s anger, just like everyone else.

But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!) For he raised us from the dead along with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ Jesus. So God can point to us in all future ages as examples of the incredible wealth of his grace and kindness toward us, as shown in all he has done for us who are united with Christ Jesus.

God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

Ephesians 2:1-10

I think this starts slamming into all kinds of topics you broached--grace, good works, evil deeds, mercy, we are already in the heavenlies, rewards, and that messiness of works vs. faith.

Maybe this is some good light to shine in the dark. I send it not in guilt at all (it can be read that way if you're not careful), but in love and excitement. Big difference--don't let Satan tell ya any different.

I, too, have been praying for you like a crazy man since you posted this; it's rarely been far from my thoughts. I had been thinking of a response, but really wanted to consider what that would entail--there are so many things to talk about. And our online chat and phone conversations gave me opportunity enough to harrangue you already.

But I think Kathie, as usual, is on the right spiritual vibe, as was young Master Slater. You are under attack, man, and it is by Christ alone that you will find your way out of it. Keep striving after Him, even when it feels like you are not reaching Him. You will, and your trials will not be discounted.

I keep writing out words of advice and then erasing them here because they all sound too didactic, too typically exhorting--the kind of words that one in a funk can continue to twist into a negative. You're talking to the King of Funks, here, so I know of what I speak.

Let me just point out three simple things on a logical basis:

(1) Your two suppositions here are self-contradictory. On the one hand, you feel that your good deeds count for nothing but that your sins weigh heavily. On the other hand, you believe you'll be forgiven for your sins and rewarded for your good acts in Heaven.

You see where I'm headed? If reward is to be received (and I am with you in believing that it will be), then your good acts have to mean something. You will never know how your "paltry" goodness affects those around you until you can see with clarity, not the dim reflection of reality that is all we can currently see. Many of our "minor" good acts may have massive consequences that we will never see in this life.

To use a very minor example, I was approached by a young woman the other week in church. Apparently, she had been a student in one of my Sophomore English classes when I taught at Rim. That was eight years ago, and I had written off that whole year as one of failure, frustration, and pain. I saw no good come of it and figured my students would be lucky to simply recover from it. But the girl, after affirming who I was, said, "Oh, I'm going to be a teacher now, and it's because of your class." It was a total shock to me.

And that's just on an earthly level. I remember your story about picking up the homeless man years ago, your conversation with him and giving him your bible. Who knows what kind of fantastic reprecussions that one act will have?

(2) Secondly, you've got God's perspective backwards, I think. Remember His promise: He will remember the good we do but utterly forget the bad. God puts our sins from us "as far as east is from west" and "remembers them not." The shame you worry on is only in you; God has already dealt with it and waits only for your approach to forgive.

1 Corinthians 13 contains not only a warning, but a promise: "If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward." (v. 14) What good you have built and done will survive (somehow); only the fruitless, fleshly deeds will be burned away, leaving us only the good.

We will all be humbled, I think, to look our Creator and father in the eye and know of our sins, but as we stand among thieves, adulterers, pedophiles, murderers, and the lowly likes of the more mundane sinners such as ourselves, we will all be relieved of our burdens and perfected for His further work.

(3) The complex interplay of faith and works, of individual initiative under free will versus our inability to achieve anything good of our own volition, are thorny theological issues that even the greatest minds wrestle with, and which I don't expect to be resolved until Christ can sit down with us and chat it over. But--like the metaphysical philosopher who refuses to hold anything as truth until you prove to him the universe has any basis in reality beyond his own senses, but still has faith enough in "reality" to jump out of the way of a charging rhinoceros to save his own hide--in practical living, we are faced with choices, and God (from our perspective, at least) allows us to make them. In every situation, we have the ability to choose our own actions, and my Father (as revealed in Scripture) is not the kind of God who would jerk us around by only paying attention to our "bad" choices and considering as nothing our "good" ones. Those choices, we are assured, have ramifications, and that counts equally for the right and the wrong ones.

The only trick is, by grace, we are forgiven for the wrong ones. That's a pretty sweet deal.

All this is to say, my friend, my brother, that your struggles are a good sign; it's when you stop caring that I'll worry. If this motivates you to further action--if the realization that God's is the only opinion that matters, that there are good deeds to be done that were laid out for you from before time and that your doing them affects the outcome of the world--then by all means, follow the opportunities while He has the light shining so brightly on them in your vision. All of us should always be striving to find out how to serve God better, how to seek His will rather than our own (and realize how He changes our will to match His own, so that our joy is His), and how He has outfitted us superbly for the tasks He has contructed for us. But keep in mind that He's forging you right now, purifying and refining your character, and that is a painful process rife with missteps on our part.

At least, it has been in my experience. We're all in that furnace with you, buddy--some of us are just in a cooler corner at the moment, waiting for another go-round on the anvil (when we'll need your words to remind us). Your striving does you credit.

Man, that was long-winded blather. Not that anyone ever believes me any more when I say I'm going to be brief, but... Man.

Ignore all that if you wish. The first line is the only important one: I'm praying for you.

Sorry. Sheesh.

I sometimes get thinking about myself in the same way you expressed. It seems there is a razor edge in regard to "doing". I know I am saved only by the work of Christ and sanctification comes from God as well. I do have to cooperate and walk in faith. I think the walking by faith and not sight is the place I get messed up in. When I read your last line I first looked at myself and wondered the same thing. But rereading your entry, all of the criticism you receive as a result of your beliefs is predicted by Jesus and is in the same vein as that of the martyrs. Yes, you haven't been killed or put in jail but others have tried to kill your spirit or your faith. Obviously the evil one has prompted all of that because in the circles you travel in because of your art, you may well be one of the few sources of salt and light. I agree with Michael that you will likely not see what happens to the seeds you plant. As my prayer I will ask the Lord to show you some result of a seed you have planted.

Devin,

As an environmentalist, I am hated by Corporate America, the construction industry, and the NRA. As a critical thinker and pacifist I'm despised by Neo-Conservatiives. As a Darwinist and proponent of personal choice I'm ridiculed and judged by the Religious Right...

My point is, regardless of who you are and what you believe there are those who will condemn you for it. There are over 6.5 billion humans on the planet and a corresponding number of points of view. You are not alone in dealing with persecution and alienation from other people--it seems to be what humans are quite good at. But we need to be careful about making sweeping statements about who hates who (as I did to make a point), because that simply strengthens the divisions.

As an Agnostic still seeking (and open to) answers, I found the second half of your post particulalry interesting. It seems only natural to me that anyone attempting to mold their life to a strict literal interpretation of the Bible would find themselves overwhelmed by feelings of guilt and inadequacy, and have problems relating to the modern world. Your post tended to strengthen my belief that portions of the Bible were perhaps meant to be taken in an allegorical sense, rather than literally. That's just my "outside" observation.

But leaving all the complexity of personal belief behind, I know you relatively well. You're a good-hearted guy and I hope you find peace.

I think Kham is spot on in a great deal of what he says here.

1. We can learn a lot about a person about by observing who their enemies are. By extension, it's said that a man with no enemies is a man who stands for nothing at all. One thing that is killing modern America (or perhaps the whole world for all I know) is a powerful social pressure to be inoffensive in all things. We're trading freedom of speech for freedom from ever hearing something that bothers me. Needless to say, it's a crappy trade for everybody...excepting those who believe in nothing and feel no desire to express it.

2. What Kham refers to as "a strict literal interpretation of the Bible" is generally called 'legalism' in Christianese. I would strongly assert that a strict literal reading of the Bible would lead one AWAY from legalism since it is probably the error Jesus and the New Testament harp on most. But the fault of legalism is a slight of hand, where we look too much to the law for our justification instead of living and breathing in god's love.

The Enlightenment has taught us to accept propositional details as the route to truth but it's poison to faith. To say "god loves you" is a proposition, and it's no doubt true. But to focus instead on the expression and the reality of that love is where we find our very breath.

Love remains a vague, hard-to-grasp concept until we are smitten the first time and then the undeniable reality of it outshines and overpowers E=MC2 like the sun does a candle.

Like Paul says, the law is only a mediator of death and condemnation, where it is in Christ alone that we find true life - life to the full.

One additional comment before I post: I for one think being rewarded in heaven, based on how we manage the blessing of our salvation, has been the traditional understanding of the church since there was a church. I think the concept that we all arrive in heaven equally rises out of the powerful ideas of social equanimity that is only a feature of the last few hundred years. I see several scriptures that make clear distinctions about how people fare in the kingdom where I see very little evidence of homogeneity...but that's just me.

To piggyback on Silverback's comment, because it seems so apropos:

I started reading George MacDonald's Phantastes last night, which Dan put me on to (and which is pretty delightful so far). MacDonald had a big impact on writers that followed, including C.S. Lewis. Lewis wrote the preface to a collection of MacDonald's works in which he described reading Phantastes before he was a believer and being struck by a quality he could not then name. His preface ends with this:

"The quality which had enchanted me in his imaginative works turned out to be the quality of the real universe, the divine, magical, terrifying and ecstatic reality in which we all live. I should have been shocked in my 'teens if anyone had told me that what I learned to love in Phantastes was goodness. But now that I know, I see there was no deception. The deception is all the other way round--in that prosaic moralism which confines goodness to the region of Law and Duty, which never lets us feel in our face the sweet air blowing from 'the land of righteousness,' never reveals that elusive Form which if once seen must inevitably be desired..."

Speaks pretty eloquently to Silverback's point and gives us lowly artists hope for our works, too, eh?